Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Today was a hard day. Today was a beautiful day.


Klair bear is teething. She already has 6 teeth, and soon she'll have 8. She was an early bloomer in this regard, with her first two teeth making their debut appearance at just 4 months old. Now, with four teeth on top, her two bottom teeth are getting some new neighbors. And, thus far, they haven't made a very good impression. I don't know if this is common, but it seems that for my little one the bottom teeth are so much crueler than the top. When her top teeth came in I didn't even notice until they were poking through. But these bottoms... they are another monster entirely. My darling, always happy baby has been so moody. It's as if she's trying, fighting so hard to stay true to her easy going nature. But, every once in awhile the pain becomes so severe that she simply can't deny it anymore and gives in to the unrelenting, miserable disturbances.

There is nothing worse than a baby in pain.

I can't console her with words. I can't ease her troubled heart by telling her that it will all be over soon. In her mind the pain might very well last forever without any hope of ceasing. I feel so helpless as a mama. All I can do is give her the allowed doses of medicine, cold things to chew on, and my affection. I hold her close, running my fingers through her golden baby hair while desperately trying to bring her to a place of calm--a place of safety. She won't be consoled. Sam takes her, and tries to soothe her. She clings to him, calms down, and then riles right back up again.

I take her, she settles. I feel the tangible connection between us, as if the umbilical cord had never really been severed. She is tethered to me. I have a friend who once described her baby's cries as tragic, but also beautiful. She said that they were a love song just for her. I think of this. Klair's cries are not meaningless. Instead, they are bursting with love--with need.


She needs me. I need her. 




As she calms, a sensation of gratitude washes over me. Am I grateful for her ability to relax? Yes. But there is also a genuine, heartfelt gratitude for the opportunity to be her mother-- her safety. I am so grateful for this love that I never knew I was capable of until that brilliant baby came into my life. I am forever thankful that I can nurture, care for, console, comfort,  and love this child.

I am humbled to be her mother.




When I was pregnant I heard the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips for the first time. As I listened to the popular tune, I remember the lyrics from the chorus seemed to pierce my soul.

"Troubles they might get you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you're not alone. I'm gonna make this place your home."

That last line struck me with severe force. I started crying. Here I was, about to have a child--about to become a mother. Sam and I had created a child, and soon she would leave the safety of my womb and enter the madness of this world. We were responsible for providing her with a firm foundation. We were to define her notion of home, family, safety--we would define her notion of love. It was both terrifying and exhilarating... but mostly terrifying. I always imagined the good moments when I thought of shaping Klair's concept of home. I pictured us reading, teaching, playing, laughing...

Tonight, I realized that the bad times, the sad times, the uncomfortable times-- these are just as important, and possibly even more pivotal. Life hurts. Baby girl is already learning that lesson. But, with the grace of god, I'm hopeful that she will also learn that she is loved--that her dad and I adore her more than we can possibly express. In the sad moments I hope she finds strength in this, in her dark moments I hope she can see light.

I know I have already learned so much from her. I guess I'm really just hoping to repay the favor.




12 comments:

  1. Aww this is so beautifully written. I don't have any children yet, but they are certainly more and more on my mind :) You have such a beautiful girl, and she's lucky to have such a caring mom :) Have a great day! x Milana

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    1. Thank you, Milana! (I love your name by the way) I'm sure you will make a wonderful mama someday :)

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  2. how cute! would you like to follow each other? just let me know. XX

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    1. Marlena,

      Thank you! And yes, that would be great :)

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  3. Babies in pain is the worst thing! I'm sorry! Our little guy got his first two at four months too! We didn't even notice till they were already coming through, but I think he's getting a top one and really doesn't like it. So interesting how kids are all so different

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    1. It really is such a mystery. She was fine and then started acting up when they were actually poking through... and I thought the cutting of the gums was supposed to be the painful part? Who knows. Sorry for your little guy too! Hopefully it will pass quickly for our babes.

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  4. Bless her. Teething is so hard sometimes! With my first son, I could never tell when he was teething! Now, I have a 7.5-month-old, and my word, you can tell with each and every tooth. It's awful. I feel so helpless sometimes seeing him in pain! Hope it's quick & done for you!

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    1. Thank you! I'm hoping it passes quickly too. Fingers crossed :) She was actually doing a little better today so hopefully that means it's ending.

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  5. Autumn, you are a beautiful mama. So glad you are writing these moments down. They are such special times.

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    1. Thanks love! It's easy when I have such an amazing little family to write about :)

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  6. this is so true and beautiful. addilyn was sick this last week and I felt so sad for her. i felt like i also got nothing done all week and my sister so wisely told me that this week i did whatever my daughter need. loved her, took care of her and gave her all my attention like you are doing! (and i am dreading those teething days!)

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    1. I've felt the same way before! It's so easy to fall into that trap... I'm a bit neurotic when it comes to cleaning and I literally have to remind myself everyday what is most important. How sad would it be if I had a sparkling house, but a lacking relationship with my child? It sounds like your sister is very wise and you definitely have your priorities in order!

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