Sometimes, I forget her actual age. She is so skilled at expressing her emotions, and so easy to talk to... that when she actually acts like a 2 year old it startles me and I find myself expecting more out of her. ...until I remember that she is a 2 year old, and I should probably expect/allow it. I guess I both love and hate the fact that she acts older. I mean, it's nice in terms of our ability to communicate effectively, but why does she have to be in such a hurry to grow up? She just barley had her second birthday, yet if you ask she'll confidently tell you she's six... and I think she believes it.
I broke down crying the other night to Sam. It was probably a combination of how late we had stayed up and pregnancy hormones, but I was pretty unconsolable on the point that Klair is simply growing up too fast. I know that parenting (like life) is nothing but constant change, but what if I don't want it to change? I really like the way things are now, and part of me would love to find a pause button... or at least a slow-motion option. Klair is adorable right now, and so fun! AND, she loves me... like... adores me, and needs me constantly. She actually wants me around... and I'd be kidding myself if I believed it will be that way forever. At some point I will no longer be mama/mommy, and I'll just be mom. Or, the dreaded "Mo-o-m!" followed by an eye roll. Please slow down baby girl, and stop growing for just a minute will you?
I think I also feel the impending birth of our second child. And, while I'm over the moon with excitement to meet him, I'll be honest: I'm a little nervous as to what another baby will do the dynamic of our family, and my relationship with Klair. Everyone tells me it will be fine, that we will adjust--and I know we will. But let's be honest, she's been spoiled. She has had my full attention during the days for, well, her whole life... and both mine and Sam's attention at night once he's home. It's going to be hard on my first born to suddenly have to compete for our time throughout the day. I know this is ultimately a good thing for her, a healthy change of pace... but I still have feelings of pre-guilt for the abrupt change that's about to take place--something I can't really prepare her for even though we've had many a conversation on the topic to try and soften the blow a little. And then I have feelings of guilt knowing that I won't be able to give our son the same level of attention that Klair received in her first couple of years... it's simply not possible. I want to do it all--be it all--but I feel inadequate to the task. Often times I think, "Ugh, I still have 15 weeks to go! That seems like forever!" Yet, when I contemplate the thoughts above I'm more inclined to feel like 15 weeks isn't nearly enough time. I want to savor and enjoy this time with Klair as much as possible, because April will rapidly approach and life is about to change drastically. I remember having a newborn... newborns are hard. And last time I didn't also have a toddler vying for my attention/affection.
Anyway, there's a peak inside the thoughts that have been plaguing me lately. Does it make sense to be completely excited for something while simultaneously terrified of it as well? Because that's how I feel about having a second kid. Quite the combination of emotions, I know. I can't really make sense of it myself. I suppose all I can do is put my trust in the Lord and one foot in front of the other. My amazing husband reminded me that despite my own insufficiencies in parenting, He is sufficient... and it's enough to calm my worried mind in times like these.
On a slightly unrelated note, my daughter is pretty cute right? I know some people don't like it when parents openly brag about their kids... but I don't care. I can't help it. I find her absolutely adorable, and I'm in love with these photos that Sam took of her in her new little camera shirt--compliments of Little Ark Kids. Klair is obsessed with this new top, and I can see why. I love how simple Little Ark's clothing is--the type of tees that are easily dressed up or down depending on the occasion. In addition to being cute, this shirt is also so soft--a very comfortable option for a little girl on the go.
Make sure to check out this fun little local shop and their handmade apparel for kids on Instagram and Etsy, and have a happy (and safe) New Year's Eve!
Little Ark Kids