"This could really be a good life. "
I was laying in bed after a heartfelt prayer of gratitude, and this song popped in my head. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I really do have a good life (and then I felt impressed to grab my computer, so the following will be the spontaneous, albeit heartfelt expressions of my mind).
It's not that I haven't realized this before. Daily I am awestruck by the quiet, simple, beautiful moments that I'm blessed to experience. Like a tender embrace from my husband after we've both had a long day. His warmth and reassurance envelops me and eases all my tensions. Or, the quiet moments when I am able to sit and think of the life within me--my child to be--and allow the joy of pregnancy to overtake me. And, truth be told, often times my beautiful moments are much louder--full of songs, animal noises, giggling, and squeals of "that tickles!" from my ever-energetic toddler. Basically, I'm tremendously blessed.
But, as this song entered my mind and began playing (without much thought on my part) I was suddenly taken back to another time in my life. In past posts I've mentioned that my dad died when I was a kid. I was 14 to be exact, and the entirety of my universe came to a screeching halt as I watched his monitors flat line one cold and dreary January morning.
I remember that shortly after his passing someone gave me a blessing. Sadly, I don't remember exactly who it was... likely an uncle or a close neighbor... there was a considerable outpouring of love at the time from many we were close to. The priesthood and blessings from amazing men in my life were a great comfort to me. And, honestly, the surrounding weeks around my dad's death are pretty foggy in my mind... likely due to some unintentional yet very real suppression on my part. Defense mechanisms of the brain I suppose. Anyway, it's not the vessel through which the blessing came that really matters (although I am grateful to whomever it was that gave it) but the fact that words came from my Father in Heaven. Ultimately that's who I remember speaking to me. They were his words, it was his promise to my aching soul.
I remember being told that despite this pain, I would continue on to live a good, happy life.
The line stood out among the rest, and it has survived the past 11 (almost 12) years and my brain's attempts to erase every memory I have of those days. At the time, I couldn't even begin to imagine a happy life. I was too caught up in the grief and despair of losing one of the most important people in my life. I was a young girl, and I had just lost my daddy. Happiness, and the promise of it, seemed unfathomable. Yet, I clung to those words and the promise inherent within them.
Now, more than a decade later, I can say with complete and honest transparency that those prophetic words delivered to a little girl in her time of need were true. My life is good. My life is immensely happy! Is it perfect? Of course not. Am I perfect? Heavens no! Far from it. I am flawed. Life is still often quite hard. But, I have the gospel and all of the hope that comes with it. If, even for a moment, I can stop focusing on the trees in front of me and allow myself to take a step back, gain some perspective, and look at the bigger picture... it's enough to render me speechless and utterly humble. The tapestry of my life is being woven with such beautiful, vibrant, happy threads. In these moments of increased vision there is no room for anything but gratitude for the weaver, each piece bound together by His love.
"If the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall then I think we'd see the beauty then, we'd stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, at the beauty told by the fault lines and the soil."- Conor Oberst
I still have insecurities and fears about the future. It's hard not to in this world. Yet, as our beloved prophet President Monson so eloquently and succinctly put it:
God is good. His gospel--the good news of Christ--is on the earth in its fullness. It gives me strength daily. It affords me the ability to cherish the present, and maintain high hopes for the future. Because of Him, I am able to hold my head up, looking towards the unknown with the utmost certainty that--
"This is gonna be a good life. A good good life."