Tonight was one of those nights when everything seemed to be going well... until bed time. Klair had been in a great mood all day and we had a fun family home evening. We went out to eat (because after a day of cleaning I had no energy left to cook) and then we came home for a lesson on God's love the importance of saying "I love you"--which we let Klair practice on us. She kindly obliged and it was adorable and edifying in the way that only a toddler is capable of.
Yet, despite the good evening we had, for some reason Klair would not go to sleep easily like she normally does. Every five minutes or so she would start screaming for me, and only me. Sam would try to go in and help her but she would yell at him "I want my mommy!" I would go in to her room to console/calm/sing to/comfort her, and within a few minutes she was back at it again. Under normal circumstances this is tiresome. But when you're eight months pregnant and you've already used up your quota of energy for the day (because you only get so much and once it's gone, it's gone) it's downright exhausting. Add the discomfort of Braxton Hicks contractions and the ominous feeling of an oncoming sickness... let's just say I'm feeling ready for bed.
Klair's been on a mommy kick lately. And, while I appreciate the strong affection she feels for me, it's also worrisome. Of course she decides to become a mommy's girl right before the amount of of attention I'll be able to give her will be reduced dramatically! Of course. I already feel inadequate to the task of parenting lately--like I'm barely getting by. The tiredness and general discomfort of pregnancy makes me feel like I'm running on fumes, and I often feel bad that I can't do more in the day--particularly with her. Soon we're going to have a newborn! The restless nights, late-night feedings-- the thought is almost too much to process right now. I remember getting some energy back once Klair was born, but will it be enough? How will I divide my time between a physically demanding newborn and an emotionally demanding toddler? It's going to rock Klair's world, and I know I won't be able to give baby boy the same level of attention that I gave to Klair when she was born. Both thoughts leave me feeling guilty and honestly overwhelmed.
"It's normal to feel this way" I tell myself "But it's good to give kids siblings, it's healthy." And, although I can rationally tell you that I believe my own advice, it's of little consolation to how I actually feel. I definitely have enough love in my heart for both of my babies, I just hope that I can adequately convey it within the constraints placed on my time and energy.
I was feeling sick and emotionally spent last night, so I went into baby boy's nursery. I just sat in his chair and tried to imagine him in my arms, tried to picture what it will be like in roughly 7 weeks. Right on cue he started kicking/moving inside me, and I sat there awhile thinking of him, talking to him, singing to him. I used to do this more with my first pregnancy, but this time around I haven't had as much time to focus on the little guy inside me. It was nice to spend some quality time with him, so to speak. It was good for me to remember why I'm so exhausted and uncomfortable. It will all be worth it soon. It already is worth it, if I can separate myself from the present for long enough to appreciate it all.
Anyway, there is a peek into my mind right now. Luckily I have this super amazing husband who has been extremely supportive and all around awesome. Last night he found me in baby boy's room, and he insisted on knowing what was wrong. I tried really hard to conceal my feelings... but I'm about as transparent as a fish bowl. I told him my fears, and he reassured me in the way that only he knows how that everything will be okay. Ultimately I'm just extremely grateful that I have him... because heaven knows that without Sam, well, I don't even know what I would do.
The photos above were taken in our Sunday best. The headband that I'm wearing is from Olivia Wares (Sage) Boutique. They are currently having an awesome clearance sale which you can (and should) check out!
When Klair saw that I was wearing a headband with my hair up, she decided to follow suit. She also insisted on being in the pictures with me, which I was of course more than okay with. She is such a doll, I honestly don't know how we got so lucky. Even after an exhausting night like tonight, all I have to do is look at a picture of her smiling face to feel completely twitterpated again. She has that effect on me.
Also, I have to mention that my bag is from Maeberry Vintage. It's the cutest little antique shop in the heart of downtown Salt Lake. If you find yourself in the Broadway area, you should definitely stop in. They have an amazing assortment of vintage clothing, furniture, and home decor. I also snagged an adorable vintage dress that I'll be posting in the very near future.
Silver Headband: Olivia Wares | Gray Bag: Maeberry Vintage | Black Maternity Dress: Pink Blush Maternity | Maternity Tights: H&M | Leather Watch: Skagen | Gray Booties: Madden (similar)