Currently I am...

Looking at this sneak peak from a photo shoot that our good friend Jesse Wride did for us recently. He is the singer of J.Wride (the band that Sam plays guitar for), Klair's surrogate uncle, and an awesome photographer. If this photo is any indication of what the other pictures are going to look like, I'm excited. I am in love with my husband's face and my baby's hair in this photo. And those blue eyes? To die for.

Feeling Sick. Klair has been teething for over a week now. Molars. They are nasty, relentless little buggers. Then, to top it off, she came down with a cold. There was one night where she didn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time-- consider my heart officially broken. With the lack of sleep and abundance of stress from a teething, sick baby my immune system didn't stand a chance. She's better now (thank goodness!) but it's lingering for me. Therefore I am...

Sitting by the fire, enjoying the fact that I am all warm and cozy despite the cold.

Wearing sweat pants. And a t-shirt. And glasses. And a very high, messy bun. In fact, this has been my wardrobe for several days now. The few times I've ventured out of the house I've simply changed into (stretchy-comfy) jeans and called it good. ...at least my nails are painted? That ought to count for something.

Eating mandarin oranges. I figure it's a good way to get some extra vitamin C. I know, I know. Oranges don't have nearly as much vitamin C as broccoli. Sam loves to remind me of this. But who wants to eat broccoli when they're sick? These little beauties are so addicting--even Klair likes loves them. If she knew I was eating them right now after making her go to sleep, she would be upset. And awake. And begging for some. Aw I almost wish it was true! Is it strange that I often miss her after she's gone to bed? I like my alone time as much as the next mama, but she is just so darn cute...

case and point. I just want to squeeze her!

Watching Parks and Recreation. I love this show! I'm not usually the type to laugh out loud. I don't particularly like this about myself, but it's true nonetheless. Something might strike me as funny, but I'll usually just sort of feel amused on the inside. This show, however, makes me literally "lol"... constantly. I love it. And I love Amy Poehler. Not only is she a hilarious actress (something that I think is hard to come by-- I really do think women have a much harder time making it in comedy) but she's also a great person who speaks out for women constantly. Girls rock, and so does she.

(I follow Beauty Redefined and so should you. They are a positive force for good in the fight that women everywhere are already facing.)

Reading lots of blogs posts. I have gained a number of followers in the past few days and I'm thrilled to pieces to be connected in some way to these ladies. I've followed every one of them back--not because I felt obligated to, but because I genuinely wanted to. Each of these bloggers is an inspiration. You are all so amazing and I'm feeling inspired on multiple levels right now! 

Feeling grateful. Katie from For Lauren and Lauren featured me on her blog, and she has been an angel to work with. I really love her. If you haven't already, go here and enter the giveaway for a $30 target gift card (scroll to the bottom and click on the rafflecopter link to enter). I'm hopeful we can give it to someone who needs a good splurge for herself. 

If you won, what would you spend it on? 

Today was a hard day. Today was a beautiful day.

Klair bear is teething. She already has 6 teeth, and soon she'll have 8. She was an early bloomer in this regard, with her first two teeth making their debut appearance at just 4 months old. Now, with four teeth on top, her two bottom teeth are getting some new neighbors. And, thus far, they haven't made a very good impression. I don't know if this is common, but it seems that for my little one the bottom teeth are so much crueler than the top. When her top teeth came in I didn't even notice until they were poking through. But these bottoms... they are another monster entirely. My darling, always happy baby has been so moody. It's as if she's trying, fighting so hard to stay true to her easy going nature. But, every once in awhile the pain becomes so severe that she simply can't deny it anymore and gives in to the unrelenting, miserable disturbances.

There is nothing worse than a baby in pain.

I can't console her with words. I can't ease her troubled heart by telling her that it will all be over soon. In her mind the pain might very well last forever without any hope of ceasing. I feel so helpless as a mama. All I can do is give her the allowed doses of medicine, cold things to chew on, and my affection. I hold her close, running my fingers through her golden baby hair while desperately trying to bring her to a place of calm--a place of safety. She won't be consoled. Sam takes her, and tries to soothe her. She clings to him, calms down, and then riles right back up again.

I take her, she settles. I feel the tangible connection between us, as if the umbilical cord had never really been severed. She is tethered to me. I have a friend who once described her baby's cries as tragic, but also beautiful. She said that they were a love song just for her. I think of this. Klair's cries are not meaningless. Instead, they are bursting with love--with need.

She needs me. I need her. 

As she calms, a sensation of gratitude washes over me. Am I grateful for her ability to relax? Yes. But there is also a genuine, heartfelt gratitude for the opportunity to be her mother-- her safety. I am so grateful for this love that I never knew I was capable of until that brilliant baby came into my life. I am forever thankful that I can nurture, care for, console, comfort,  and love this child.

I am humbled to be her mother.

When I was pregnant I heard the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips for the first time. As I listened to the popular tune, I remember the lyrics from the chorus seemed to pierce my soul.

"Troubles they might get you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you're not alone. I'm gonna make this place your home."

That last line struck me with severe force. I started crying. Here I was, about to have a child--about to become a mother. Sam and I had created a child, and soon she would leave the safety of my womb and enter the madness of this world. We were responsible for providing her with a firm foundation. We were to define her notion of home, family, safety--we would define her notion of love. It was both terrifying and exhilarating... but mostly terrifying. I always imagined the good moments when I thought of shaping Klair's concept of home. I pictured us reading, teaching, playing, laughing...

Tonight, I realized that the bad times, the sad times, the uncomfortable times-- these are just as important, and possibly even more pivotal. Life hurts. Baby girl is already learning that lesson. But, with the grace of god, I'm hopeful that she will also learn that she is loved--that her dad and I adore her more than we can possibly express. In the sad moments I hope she finds strength in this, in her dark moments I hope she can see light.

I know I have already learned so much from her. I guess I'm really just hoping to repay the favor.