With Grace in Your Heart and Flowers in your Hair | Religious Reflections 05

I was driving the other day with my iPhone on shuffle, when I had a moment that profoundly touched me. I don't know what it is about driving--especially longer distances--but it seems to be a time when I'm particularly prone to deep thought and receptive to inspiration. I suppose it's the monotony of the task before me. Of course I must be alert, but I can easily fall into a rhythm and I'm forced to sit still long enough to think about something other than the next thing that I need to do. Klair likes it too. Well, not driving of course, but she enjoys going on car rides. In fact, that girl loves getting out of the house in general. If a day goes by where we haven't left the house, she'll start telling me "I'm ready to gooo!" repeatedly. I suppose she's like her mama in that regard. We both love to go--even if the going is simply to the park or grocery store. We really enjoy venturing to new places. A change of scenery is always welcome. Hereditary wanderlust perhaps?

...and with that my mind has wandered off track. Back to the story. So, I was driving a fair distance, the music entering my ears determined by a randomizing algorithm programmed into my phone, when a song called "After the Storm" by Mumford and Sons came on. Sam and I both really love this band. We have for awhile now. We've collected all of their music over the years and thoroughly enjoy it. I have heard this particular song plenty of times before and I've always liked it. I could even sing along to some of the lyrics from memory. I don't know if it was the longer-than-usual-drive, or the brilliance of the setting sun and the golden light it cast that made me especially reflective, but this time I actually listened.

And, what I heard, spoke to my soul and brought tears to my eyes. Yep, I even cried a little.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.

"And there will come a time, you'll see. With no more tears. 

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. 

Get over your hill and see what you find there, 

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

Beautiful, profound truth.

I won't bombard you with all of the lyrics--look them up or listen to the song if you feel so inclined--but essentially the verses reveal struggle, pain, and fear while the chorus (shown above) resolves these. It encapsulates the essence of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and the hope His gospel brings. Christ resolves our burdens. His grace is sufficient to cover all our pain, to redeem and to justify. I love the imagery of these lyrics, and I believe them with all my heart. One day, with our Savior's unfailing assistance, we will reach the peak of our own personal mountain. And, when we do, what we find will bring us to our knees in awe and admiration. 

"There will come a time, you''ll see." 

Religous Reflections 04 | My Best Friend's Wedding

"Celebrate and commemorate each day together as a treasured gift from heaven." 

-Russell M. Nelson 

A little over a week ago, my best friend became the most beautiful, blushing bride and married the love of her life in the Salt Lake temple for time and all eternity. 

It was the same place that Sam and I were married almost 5 years ago. The combination of total and complete happiness for her, and the memory of my own perfect day was enough to ruin my makeup. Thank goodness the temple keeps tissues nearby during wedding ceremonies. 

(I'm not sure how she would feel about me posting pictures from her wedding on my blog, and she's on her honeymoon in Hawaii so I won't bother her. Thus, there's a picture of Sam and me from the big day instead. Isn't he dreamy?) 

I've known Sharydon since middle school. We were in the same 8th grade science class, and my first memories of her were in the bathroom before it started. We would both rush to the mirror between classes to touch up our makeup and fluff our hair. We only had 5 minutes, so we had to make it count. The style in those days (at least where we lived--I think it may have been a localized affair) was to rat your hair so much on the sides and in the back that your head had an elevated, almost boxy appearance. The bigger the better. And, indeed, all of the most popular girls were masters of the "poof." It was imperative for social acceptance into circles that we never actually became a part of. No matter though, because we became bathroom buddies, sharing hairspray and a love of huge hair. It wasn't long before we were inseparable. 

Our friendship has endured the various stages of our lives. First the poofy hair preppy phase where our biggest aspiration in life was to work at American Eagle. (Sadly, we never did achieve this goal. By the time we were old enough to actually do it we had out grown the desire.) Next, we entered the Myspace bathroom "selfie" phase. Our hangouts consisted of taking hundreds of pictures of each other with the same "duck face," and meticulously studying the "scenester/emo" look. We helped each other along as we attempted to emulate this popular trend. I'm not sure we were ever entirely successful... I think we wore too many bright colors to be considered true "emo" kids... but we sure tried. And we chased after boys with long hair and tight pants, attending concerts and pretending to know all about bands we had never heard of. Next, came the era when Sharydon went to hair school and I (willingly) became her guinea pig. I attempted every color possible--my favorite being the orangey blonde hue I achieved when I wanted to go from jet black hair to platinum. Smart move.

We've seen each other through the hair, boys, heartache, drama, and the general ups and downs of life. Over time our hair has flattened out, but our love for each other as remained. Even when I married young and set out on a very different course in life than my hip, single friend we still managed to maintain our friendship. I set her up with just about every guy I could think of, and she supported me through all the changes that I went through--throwing me bridal and baby showers, showing up the day Klair was born to take photos--even helping me out in those weeks of recovery after childbirth. I found her doing my dishes on multiple occasions. If that's not true love, I don't know what is. 

Now that she has found her other half, I'm thrilled to be able to return the favor. I threw her a bridal shower, now I'm just biding my time until I get the chance to throw a baby shower... haha just kidding! But seriously. That will be so fun :) 

As I sat there in the temple, my hand in Sam's, I couldn't help but think back to my own wedding. It was such a surreal, transcendental day. It was as if God had temporarily parted the veil between heaven and earth and allowed us a glimpse of the perfection that awaits. And, by the look on both Sharydon and Jordan's faces, I could tell they felt the same. The ceremony was profoundly beautiful, and the love felt in that room was nothing short of angelic. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to return to the temple for a wedding that was so special to me. The advice given, the covenants made in that sacred place... it was all such a beautiful reminder of God's love and the true meaning of life.

"Choose your love. Love your choice." President Thomas S. Monson 

I am incredibly grateful for the priceless insights that I have because I have been blessed with a knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Some may wonder why the LDS/Mormon church places so much emphasis on marriage and family. The answer? In short, it's because we believe that the family, and the expressions of love found within it, is the true meaning of life. Marriages and families can be eternal. "'Till death do us part" does not have to be our destiny... it was never meant to be. God wants us to be with those we love forever. The atonement was wrought to make it so.

This knowledge of the forever nature of marriages and family breathes an added measure of importance-- a richness and eternal perspective-- into our relationships. Marriage isn't something designed to help us through this life so that we can part ways when we die. It is so much more. It is our shared destiny, our greatest potential. It is a love that you work for because it is meant to last forever. I'm a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, and I believe this to be the most romantic sentiment possible. 

"Our joy now and forever is inextricably tied to our capacity to love." John H. Groberg

Religious Reflections 03 | A la Renoir

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. 

You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage, 

but He is building a palace." 

―C.S. Lewis

Lately I've been listening to the Mormon Channel while I drive. I unintentionally discovered it one day. I knew it was something you could stream online, but I hadn't realized that they actually have a station in Salt Lake. I listened to it a little, and, admittedly, forgot about it. The other day I was feeling tired of the radio--flipping through the stations as each less-than-wholesome song came on. It's pretty disheartening how much garbage is on the airwaves these days. I'm a word nerd. I pay attention to the messages that songs are conveying. The prevalence of degrading, over-sexualized lyrics is less than impressive. And, with a limit on the amount of Pandora I can play (I only have so many gigs of data after all) I needed something different than the mainstream.

...That's when I remembered how I had stumbled across the Mormon Channel that one time. I found it again, and I've been listening ever since. They play spiritual and uplifting music, talks from general authorities, and conduct interviews with a variety of noteworthy and famous Mormons. It's pretty amazing what a difference it has made for me. I don't even spend that much time in the car-- a few errands here and there--but I already feel stronger and more inspired. I feel better. The injection of spirituality and positivity into my routine is just the boost that I needed.

One talk that played recently which was particularly poignant to me was given by Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He spoke of the famous painter Pierre-Auguste Renoir-- a French impressionist painter who was profoundly impressive in light of a chronic, debilitating condition. In his later years Renoir developed rheumatoid arthritis. Rather than retiring from art, he painted in spite of his deformed hands and the excruciating pain it caused him. What's more, he remained positive throughout his illness. Rather than reflecting the pain and anguish he felt, his paintings gave no hint of darkness. Instead they were masterpieces depicting life's beauty.

When asked by a fellow painter why he tortured himself by continuing to paint, he said "the pain passeth... but the beauty remains." And, what really struck me...

"One must from time to time attempt things that are beyond one's capacity." 

Life is hard. It's meant to be. And, oftentimes when we're really trying and giving it our all--that's precisely when it gets harder. I suppose that's the essence of the quote by C.S. Lewis at the beginning of this post. When we let God in and allow Him to make His improvements--the process will be painful. Yet, when all is said and done, He will have built us into something far beyond what we would--what we could--have imagined for ourselves.

Even though I strive for an "attitude of gratitude," I'm not nearly as positive as I could be. I would even describe myself as ungrateful at times. Motherhood, wifehood, homemaking, blogging, church callings, and family obligations all add up and I get overwhelmed. I feel inadequate to the tasks at hand, and I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself.

Hearing the story of Renoir and his unfailing work ethic and optimism really hit home. It made me realize that I need to attempt things that are "beyond my capacity." Because, with God, all things are within the realm of possibility. I can do hard things. God can make a palace out of me if I will let him. And, in the style of Renoir, I can undergo these renovations with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.

Sincerely yours,  

The Good News of Christ | Religious Reflections 02

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  

-Jeffrey R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles 

Last week I had this incredible blogging moment where I sat down to write and the words seemed to flow from my mind, out through my fingertips, and onto my keyboard almost effortlessly. I felt extremely inspired, wrote this post as a result, and proclaimed to the blogging/social media community that it was the start of a new series of posts reflecting on my own spirituality and religious beliefs. Admittedly, I was a little nervous to post it--realizing that I was putting myself and my beliefs out there in a big way. Fortunately, my amazing friends and followers gave kind, generous, positive feedback. It was the fuel that I needed. All week I've felt excited about writing and the prospect of using this blog to spread the gospel--i.e. the good news of Christ. 

That is, until Sunday rolled around and I still didn't have a topic to write about. Talk about self-inflicted pressure.

As I read scriptures, studied, and pondered this week I expected that something would stand out from the page, or strike me in the same way as before. But nothing really did, and I kind of put it off, expecting that it would be as easy as the last post. "An idea will come," I thought. Wrong. 

So there I was, 10:00 pm on Sunday night, finally at a point where I could sit down in the solitude of my office to write and... I had nothing. Nada. The panic started to set in. 

That is, until I looked up. Because, in the famous words of President Monson (quoted in this talk):

“Now, remember, it is better to look up.”

Well, I took this advice. Literally. And what to my wondering eyes did I see? A framed quote by Jeffrey R. Holland (the one found at the beginning of this post). My lovely brother and sister-in-law bought it for us last Christmas, and Sam hung it above my desk to complete the look of the office he created for me out of our spare bedroom (my surprise gift from my thoughtful hubby). 

Look how cute Klair was in her Christmas jammies: 

Anyway, back to the quote, at first I thought "yeah, that's nice" and continued on my quest to find something to write about. But, as I prayed and kept pondering, I realized that it was indeed the epiphany I had been waiting for. So, let's review the quote for analytical purposes, shall we?

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  

-Jeffrey R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles 

First off, can I just say that Elder Holland is the man? Hopefully that's not disrespectful to talk of an apostle in that way, but seriously. I love conference, and I feel that every talk is truly inspired by the Lord himself. But when Elder Holland speaks, it's like he reaches through my television, grabs my shoulders, and shakes me. Not in a violent way of course, but in a "wake up!" and a "whoa, that is so true/amazing/insightful!" kind of way. I'm not sure you're supposed to have favorites... but let's face it, everyone does. And Holland is mine. Or, at least, I get the most from his particular style of writing and speaking. Plus, his wife is pretty stellar too. Forget celebrities, they are the best example of a powerhouse couple in the truest sense. 

This quote is certainly no exception to Elder Holland's record of awesomeness. In one short phrase, he capsulizes the essence of the atonement--the hope of Christ's gospel, and the implications for all who follow him. His words are universal in the sense that they can be applied to anyone, in every circumstance--everywhere. Because it doesn't matter who you are, what you have, where you've been, or where you are going. Everyone on this earth is searching, hoping, or longing for something. That's just the nature of this life. It's meant to test us, stretch us, and refine us. And, like a piece of coal placed under immense heat and pressure to form a diamond, refinement is a painful process.  Whether it's the desire for companionship, the ability to have children, freedom from sickness, depression, heartache, or pain, a longing for reconciliation with a lost loved one-- or, maybe it's simply a desire for someone you care about to find a better way-- whatever blessings you might seek--whatever burdens you may bear, they can be made lighter through Christ's atonement. 

And, eventually, all things will be made right. The righteous blessings we desire will be granted to us if we follow The One who gives. 

As President Monson so eloquently and succinctly put it, 

"Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." 

I believe this to be true with my whole heart. 

Even so, I often find myself on the slippery slope toward despair. Like fierce whirlwinds of opposition, the pains of this world--the longings of the heart--are very real. What's more, I know that many of those around me--those I love-- are facing awful, heart-wrenching challenges. At times it feels too easy to allow myself to be encircled, to give in to pain, fear, or doubt. In these moments, if I can find enough wisdom (and humility) to turn to God, His light always shines through my darkness. He doesn't necessarily remove the pain, or the weight of the burden on my shoulders--but He makes it bearable. He gives me the strength, hope, and fortitude to continue on--to press forward. 

Additionally, I think it's important to recognize that we're all facing challenges, and we should treat each other accordingly. In our day of social media where we often only see the highlight reels of those around us, it's easy to imagine that other people's lives are perfect, or nearly so. But that is not the case, and we need to be sensitive to this fact. We can either help or hinder the Lord's work, and often the most influential of our acts lie within the simplest of our daily interactions with others.   

To conclude my thoughts, I want to end with some lovely words from another of my favorite apostles. I saw this quote on Facebook of all places once. Someone posted it on the wall of a dear friend when she was facing impossible challenges. It struck me then, and I spent a good while trying to find it tonight because I feel like it summarizes my sentiments perfectly.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught, 

"Righteous sorrow and suffering carve cavities in the soul that will become later reservoirs of joy."

Amen. Just, amen. 

Sincerely yours,  

My Advocate | Sunday Reflections 01

Dear readers,

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on life, blogging, and what I'm putting my energy into. That's not to say that I'm entirely dissatisfied with my efforts, but I've felt a pressing need for improvement. God is tugging at my heart strings, urging me in a different direction. A better direction. Earlier this year I made some New Year's resolutions. Now that over half the year has come and gone, I'm left evaluating myself and my progress (or lack thereof). I ran a 5k... and that's about it. While I'm not down playing this feat (because believe me, for me that was a pretty exciting accomplishment) one resolution that I haven't lived up to-- the one that really matters-- was to increase in spirituality. I haven't done that. I feel like I've been pretty stagnant. I have been going through the motions, but I haven't truly invested my heart. I've been so busy distracting myself with other things that my relationship with God, while still there, has become more of an after thought. It pains me to say it, but I suppose sometimes the truth hurts... and it also sets you free. Admittedly, my prayers have become repetitious, my scripture study-lackluster. I attend church functions and meetings, but my thoughts are elsewhere. I have been doing just enough to get by... It's not enough.

I want to rededicate myself to God. Accordingly, I want to rededicate this blog to Him. Blogging is a reflection of me and what I'm focusing on. I feel like I've been doing good things with this space-- sharing modest fashion, writing about my family and essentially journaling about Klair, etc. I want to continue doing these things, but I can be should be doing more. I don't want to simply imply my beliefs. Instead, I want this to be a place where I can proclaim them.

I've decided to start with a new series of posts on Sundays to discuss my recent spiritual reflections and ponderings. Hopefully having a space to write will keep me accountable and help me to focus my attention where it counts. When you put God first, everything else falls into place. I know this. Now, I'm determined to live it. And, I'm hopeful that my attempts will help or inspire others in some way.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon church) of which I am a member, we have a program called visiting teaching. Every willing woman is given an assignment from the Relief Society President (the leader of the church's organization for women) to teach and fellowship certain women in the ward (our local congregations). Any member of Relief Society can be a visiting teacher (all are encouraged) and every woman in the ward is given a pair of visiting teachers that are assigned to her. This inspired program enables the Relief Society President to watch over every woman and to stay informed on what is taking place in her life. Furthermore, it serves as another medium through which friendships are made, and our ward families are strengthened.

This last week, my partner and I (we are assigned a companion) went visiting teaching. We have worked out a system where we take turns making the appointments and teaching the lessons. This month was my turn to teach. It was entitled: Jesus Christ, Advocate with the Father. I thought to myself, "yeah, I know enough about this topic. I've learned it before. I'll just skim through, find a few nice quotes and improv my way through a quick little lesson. Easy." Once I began, skimming turned to reading, and then reading turned to reading. I had gone into the experience trying to discern what to teach to others, but quickly realized that I was the one learning the lesson. Isn't it interesting how that happens? Whenever I am asked to teach a lesson or speak in church, I always find that I learn more from the experience than I'm able to convey to others. This message was one that I needed to hear.

As I read, I found one quote particularly poignant. Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “It is of great significance to me, that I may at any moment and in any circumstance approach through prayer the throne of grace, that my Heavenly Father will hear my petition, that my Advocate, him who did no sin, whose blood was shed, will plead my cause.”

Christ, my advocate, pleads for me. Now. Today. And tomorrow... and any time I approach his throne of grace and plead for His healing. I tend to view the atonement as something that happened thousands of years ago. He suffered, bled, and died--in the past. Correct? Technically. But Christ's atonement--his marvelous work and glory--wasn't a one time thing. After his resurrection he didn't ascend into heaven to lounge around and be pampered by the angels. Although he deserves this and much more, he continued working. He is still working. His grace, love, petitions and forgiveness are ongoing. They are eternal. He is actively engaged in my salvation. He is continually pursuing me. His hand is "outstretched still"--to me, to all of us.  

As this epiphany lighted upon my mind and filled me with gratitude, it also ignited within me a desire to do better--to be at least a little more deserving of His perfect love unfeigned. 

The Gospel of Jesus Christ has brought more joy into my life than I'm capable of expressing, and it would be selfish of me not to share that with others. This world is frankly crazy. Often frightening. It can be hard to avoid feeling bogged down by all of the hatred and despair that surrounds us. But, darkness gives way to light. And it is my hope and prayer that this little a corner of the internet can be a place where God's love can shine through and chase away the darkness.

Sincerely yours,

Easter Weekend

Easter weekend with our Klair Marie was heavenly.  This year she was old enough to understand all the festivities which made it incredibly enjoyable. Saturday we celebrated with Sam's side of the family, and his parents hosted an Easter egg hunt. Watching her run around with her cousins was too much cuteness to handle. Even though they're older than her, she can keep up. When it came to hunting eggs, Klair's experience at our house last week came in handy. She knew exactly what to do. We tried to help her, but she didn't need our assistance. She scoured their backyard and honed in on each egg with precision and skill. She was mindful of each of her prizes, making sure that none fell out of her basket. And, when it came time to open them up, she did it with ease--stuffing her face with the candy and carefully putting her money in a pile next to her for safe keeping. 

For her Easter basket I made a trip to Target and... well that's all I needed to do because Target is awesome like that. She scored a dress, hat, bunny, bubble wand, coloring book, eggs, candy, edible grass, and a bucket. Mustn't forget the bucket... she loves that thing.The only things that didn't come from Target are the hair bows that I made her. They are ridiculously easy to make and I was really pleased with how they turned out. Look back for a tutorial in the next few days. 

Easter Sunday we woke up, went to church, took a lovely little family nap, and went to my sister's for dinner with my side of the family. I have 3 nephews on my side, and they adore miss Klair Marie. They all play together so well. Watching her with all her cousins this weekend (both on Saturday and Sunday) forced me to realize that she really isn't a baby anymore. She is an outgoing, busy, stubborn, happy, brilliant kid. And, although it's hard to let go, I love this new phase. 

Fun doesn't even begin to describe her. 

This Easter weekend was a wonderful reminder of what is important in life--the people that make it count. I'm so glad that Sam and I have each other and our little girl. I'm grateful to be surrounded with such a loving family. Most importantly, I'm grateful to my Savior. Because of him, I have all this. Because of him, the joy that I felt today can be my eternal reality. 

"And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!" -D&C 76: 22

Klair's Outfit Details: 

Dress & Hat: Target (Not Online--But I love this and this. ) | Bow: Homemade | Shoes: Carter's | Pajamas: The Children's Place (similar here)

This post is part of the "Little Things" Linkup. 

Family Fun | Easter Festivities

Klair participated in her first Easter egg hunt this past weekend, and it was a smashing success. She was cute as can be, and picked up on the process quite quickly. I'm not sure which she liked better--collecting the eggs, or discovering the candy inside. Regardless, I enjoyed her enthusiasm!

Due to her current only-child status, we decided to invite her cousins over to participate. While having an Easter egg hunt with one kid would yield more candy for said child, we just didn't think it would be nearly as fun for her. We invited the kids from both sides of our families because, well, the more the merrier of course! All the kids were adorable, and it was thoroughly enjoyable watching them scamper about with big old grins on their faces. Our initial plan was to have the hunt outside and let the kids run around, scouring the greenery to find the egg-shaped containers filled with little pieces of Easter joy. Our plan didn't take into account the possibility that the amazing, 70 degree weather we've been experiencing might come to a screeching halt on the day of the party. Well, that's what it did. It rained, and even snowed yesterday. So, rather than take a (literal) rain check, we decided to move the festivities inside. It actually turned out quite well, despite the fact that I'll likely be finding Easter eggs in random places of my house for the next few weeks. 

In addition to the Easter egg hunt, we also had a barbecue with both our families. It was wonderful to have the people we love come together to celebrate the Savior's resurrection. Good food, good company, and good fun. What more could you really ask for? It was certainly a great reminder of what's truly important, and why the atonement of Jesus Christ is really so meaningful in my own life. 

What fun things have you done and/or do you have planned for Easter? 

Conference Weekend | The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

For some of my newer readers who may not know, I'm a Mormon. This past weekend we had General Conference (hence all the quotes you likely saw flooding Instagram and Pinterest from Mormon bloggers) and I received the boost that I needed. Nobody warned me about the spiritual lull that accompanies having a baby. I go to church, but I'm not really there. I'm focused on trying to keep a baby quiet, still, and happy. This might be an easier task with a less-active child, but Klair is the energizer bunny. She keeps going and going and going... We bring toys, books, treats-- and that usually gets us through the first half... of the first meeting (if we're lucky). After that we end up taking turns walking the halls and make about 8,000 trips to the drinking fountain. She loves that thing, and it's pretty impressive how much water she's capable of drinking from it. 

It used to be easier. Sam and I could trade off taking care of Klair and actually listening to the speakers and lessons. Then, right around the time that she  became mobile, things changed drastically. Sam got a calling to be a primary teacher, which means we can no longer trade off on Klair duty. This means that, if I stay the full 3 hours, I typically end up hanging out in the foyer/hall with an adventurous toddler for 2 of them. I know that we are teaching Klair valuable lessons and instilling within her the importance of church attendance. I've already even seen some of the fruits of our labors in her familiarity with church and how she loves to sing along with the hymns. Nevertheless, going to church is much less uplifting than it used to be.  Listening to the talks and lessons used to revitalize me. It gave me the motivation and direction for the coming week. Having a toddler simply isn't conducive to listening. I'm too busy chasing. I don't get much from the inspirational messages that I grew accustomed to--that I took for granted.

With my toddler-induced religious slump of sorts, General Conference was absolutely heaven-sent. I needed those messages prepared by the general officers and authorities of the church--prepared by the Lord's servants. I needed to hear the words of the Lord through my beloved Prophet, and I feel strengthened because I did. My soul is nourished. I am invigorated. 

Rather than focus on what I'm missing out on, I choose to be grateful now especially during the hard times. Although I might not be able to listen in church as much as I'd like, it's a small price to pay. I think this extends to all of my mommy woes. Is it exhausting at times to be the mother of a toddler? Sure. Is it difficult? Absolutely. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Taking care of Klair is the hardest job I've ever had, but more importantly it's the best, most joyful experience of my life. Chasing after a toddler is a good "problem" to have. 

I also really liked Sister Linda K. Burton--the Relief Society General President's-- talk. She talked about how she and her husband felt overwhelmed as parents of 4 young children. After much prayer they recieved revelation that it's okay for some chores to be undone. It's even okay if there are times when the kids stay in their pajamas. The things that matter most are family prayer, family scripture study, and family home evening. Priorities. They put these first, and everything else fell into place. It's a formula for success, and it's one that Sam and I intend to follow. We aren't nearly as consistent with these things as we should be, so we're recommitting ourselves. Apparently the fact that I can't get as much from church means I need to take a more active role in compensating during my free time. My "attitude of gratitude" and attempts to refocus my attention on things that really matter has caused me to already feel better, stronger, more spiritually nourished.  

Below are few of my other favorite quotes from conference. This list is not all encompassing... there were so many brilliant things said! But here are a few. 

First of all, my always favorite speaker... Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I love how straightforward he is. His talk this conference on the character of the Savior and the need to "defend your faith" did not disappoint.  

"...It is a characteristic of our age that if people want any gods at all, they want them to be gods who do not demand much, comfortable gods and smooth gods who not only don’t rock the boat but don’t even row it, gods who pat us on the head, make us giggle, then tell us to run along and pick marigolds. Talk about man creating God in his own image! Sometimes — and this seems the greatest irony of all — these folks invoke the name of Jesus as one who was this kind of ‘comfortable’ God. Really? Just as Christ understood and taught, individuals must remember — even though many in the modern culture seem to forget — that there is a crucial difference between the commandment to forgive sin, which Christ had an infinite capacity to do, and the warning against condoning it, which He never ever did even once ...pure Christlike love flowing in true righteousness can change the world."

And of course Uchtdorf's talk on gratitude. Brilliant. 

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?"

&

"There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings" President Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

And a few other favorites: 

"The Gospel is not weight. It is wings!" Sister Jean A. Stevens 

"Today's complexities demand greater simplicity" Edler L. Tom Perry

"The unique burdens in each of our lives helps us rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." Elder David A. Bednar 

Then of course our beloved Prophet/president of the church. I really appreciated how, of all the topics he could have chosen, he spoke on our need to be kind and loving. Our world definitely needs more love and light, and he is such a great example of this. 

"As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with more love and kindness to whatever might come our way" President Thomas S. Monson

Overall, I am grateful for the opportunity I had to listen to the words of the Lord through his chosen Prophet, apostles, and leaders. I feel that my testimony has been strengthened and my conviction renewed. The Gospel--the good news of Christ-- is true. It brings me joy and peace.

*The images in this post came from my friend and designer, Kaylie Marie
**I tried to provide links to some of the topics that people might not be familiar with. If I missed something and you're curious what in the world I'm talking about, feel free to ask either in comment or email.  

What are some of your favorite quotes from General Conference? 
Or, what are some good spiritual or otherwise uplifting words that have inspired you lately? 

11 years ago today my dad died...

I don’t remember a lot about it. Well, I do and I don’t. It’s interesting how the mind semi-suppresses traumatic events. Of course I remember, but only sort of. Those moments--waking up at 3 in the morning to a phone call saying he wouldn't make it, rushing to the hospital, watching him flat-line--they are etched into my memory. Yet, the images themselves are faulty, almost fluid. Muffled. Like watching a scene unfold underwater--the sights and sounds distorted by the murky depths of a dark, ominous body of water. I remember some details, like touching his cold hands… because his hands were never cold. He would always warm my hands, but his felt like ice. It was all wrong. I remember my mom crying, but only vaguely. I remember lots of hugs, but the faces are muted. I couldn't tell you who was present and who wasn't. What I can remember with any certainty are the emotions. They are vividly seared into my psyche, into my soul. The abruptness of it all. His death was unexpected. There was disbelief combined with raw, gut-wrenching, soul shattering sadness--the kind of despair that can’t be described, and can only be understood by those who have lost someone very dear to them.

I was 14 years old, and my daddy was gone. 

My whole world had been ripped out from underneath me.

11 years. It’s strange, really. I've lived almost as long without my Dad as I did with him. I've done a lot of growing in this last decade plus one. I graduated high school, college, I’m married, I’m a mother… by all accounts, I’m a grown up. A full-fledged adult. But, he wasn't here to see any of it. I didn't get a daddy-daughter dance at my wedding and I’ll never see him hold any of my babies. It’s funny how days like this can cut me down, and make me feel 14 again--a broken little girl who wants nothing more than to be held by her daddy.

Just as I wrote that, as that old familiar sting of sadness began to settle in, my sweet, intuitive little daughter came over and demanded to be held. I was typing while she played with her toys. She was completely engrossed in them, independently, contently playing. But, the moment I needed her... there she was. A timely intervention. I was about to get lost in myself, and in that moment she redirected my attention. She climbed up, relaxed her little body, and snuggled into me. I got lost in her instead. Those of you who have (or have had) a 1 year old know that (apart from sleep time) these moments are quite rare. I think she knew I needed her. She reminded me what is important. She reminds me what's important. 

My Dad's name was Klair. I am Autumn Klair. My daughter is Klair Marie. 

I suppose I can't be held by Klair, so I hold Klair instead. 

She brings light to my darkness. 

I miss my dad. I miss so many things about him. I was always such a daddy's girl. I will always be one. He was an incredible person--the kind of individual that people liked to like. Dad was a “people person,” so to speak. Instantly endearing. He had a warmth about him, a gentleness, a kind smile. He was extremely humble. He was real. He didn't have a pretentious bone in his body and he accepted people for who they are. He really, truly loved people. He was very Christ-like. 

When I was little I would fall asleep in his arms every night. 

(These are just scanned from a scrapbook so please ignore the not-so-ideal quality and cutesy scrapbook decorations.)

My dad was funny, in a quirky kind of way--always telling silly jokes, making the kind of puns that would elicit a smile and maybe even an eye roll. He was a devoted Utah Jazz fan, hunter, fisher, painter, guitarist, and a blue-collared man all his days. He worked hard with his hands to provide for his family. And, even though we often barely scraped by, we never felt poor. 

My dad loved to learn. He was extremely intelligent and hungered after knowledge. He had a particular fondness for the Discovery Channel and History Channel. In another life he would have liked to have been a history teacher. I think it's a large part of why I chose to be a social studies teacher. 

He had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I remember him telling me that it all fit together "like a puzzle" and that it "just made sense." He said it so matter-of-factly. I don't know if he realized the impact that conversation had on me. I have reflected on this often as my own testimony has grown. 

He was a fun dad. He took guitar lessons with me, even though he already knew how to play. We had regular movie nights on the weekends complete with too much junk food. He coached my sister's softball and my soccer team—always on the sidelines cheering us on. In the summer we played catch, Frisbee, and went for bike rides and long walks with our dogs. In the winter he would come outside and play in the snow with us. He bought a hat at Disneyland that said “I’m never growing up” and this was his mantra. He was big kid at heart. 

He had two girls, and loved us. Some men who only have daughters mourn the fact that they never had a son. He never did, and he never put us in a box labeled “girl.” He gave us every opportunity and encouraged us to do whatever we could dream of. He took us hiking, camping, fishing, and boating. He played and watched sports with us, and we had regular video game nights. He even let me go hunting with him (despite my perpetual “Bambi” references and petitions). And, when the occasion called for it, I remember him fumbling to try and do my hair. 

I definitely look like my dad, and I like to think that I inherited some of the qualities that made him so lovable. I know that my little Klair Bear certainly has. At first I wondered about naming her after my Dad, thinking perhaps it might be too painful. Now, I’m so glad that we did. 

She has brought new life to his name, to his memory.

I miss my dad, but I am confident I will see him again. I know that he watches over my family. 

I know that he is waiting on the other side to receive me and give me a big “bear” hug. 

How grateful I am for the atonement of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that family relationships are perpetuated beyond the grave.

On days like this, it's enough to calm my troubled heart. 

Also, this song is currently stuck in my head. 

Do you ever feel like a song speaks so perfectly 
to what you're feeling that you're convinced it 
was written just for you in that moment?

Well hello there 2014, I'm feeling ambitious.

An "Ausam" New Year's Midnight Kiss, 2014

Alright, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and post my goals and resolutions for the year. I've never really been one to write my goals down. Don't get me wrong, I am constantly making lists.... but for the short term things--nothing too lofty or well... important. I'm hopeful that this effort to share my aspirations will give me some accountability and yield positive results that I can be proud of.  

First off, I've seen a few others choose a word for the year--a simple mantra to live by. I've put some thought into this, and I keep coming back to still.

"Be still my soul..."

I have always loved this hymn. And, it's currently on replay in my mind. The past year has been an amazing, exhilarating, and often terrifying ride. Motherhood has made me better, but it has also made me more vulnerable. To love someone so deeply and feel completely responsible for their well being is an incredible, often daunting task. I worry. Constantly. For her safety--I pray incessantly that I will be able to keep her safe. I'm always fretting over what she is learning, how she is progressing, and what I am teaching her. Ever wondering if my daily interactions are enough, if I am doing enough to ensure that she reaches her full potential and becomes the brilliant individual that God has created her to be. Am I being a good example? Am I trying hard enough to create an environment that is conducive to the spirit? Am I fun? Am I showing her what it means to be a strong, confident, hard-working, yet humble, loving, nurturing (insert any and all important adjectives pertaining to) woman? 

And of course there's the business of being a wife. I have such an incredible husband. He is literally the best person that I have ever known. And, despite his constant attempts to reassure me, it's easy to feel inadequate. And then there's that whole daughter thing. And friend. And sister, aunt... cub scout leader...  blogger! With all of the roles that I'm currently playing I often wonder if I am doing as Shakespeare admonishes to "Act well [my] part?" 

I am constantly wondering if I am... enough?

Enough. 

This year, I am going to focus on quieting all of the judgmental, doubtful, over-analytical voices in my head. I am going to approach God with earnest desire to do all that he desires of me. I am going put my trust in my Heavenly Father, and then I'm going to "be still." 

The notion is liberating.

I already feel... lighter.  

"Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

...Leave to thy God to order and provide;

...Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side."

With that preface in mind, I will now list my other goals for the year; however, I will not allow my completion (or lack thereof) to define my worth. Instead, I'm going to be realistic with myself. I am going to be kind to myself. I intend to use these as a guide to aspire to. Anything less would probably negate my first resolution... you know, to "be still" and all.  

Health

• Run a 5k (+)
• I really started getting into running last year after I had Klair. With my running stroller in tow it was such an easy way to get out of the house and exercise (bonus!). I actually want to accomplish more this year (a 10k, or half marathon perhaps?) but considering I have never run a formal race of any kind, I figure I should probably start with a 5k and increase my aspirations from there. 
• Become Stronger, faster, and overall healthier--without losing myself in the process. 
• It's so easy for me to become consumed with fitness and being "skinny." I'm switching it up this year. Instead, I'm going to work on loving myself more. I am going to look in the mirror and love what I see. I will appreciate the profoundly beautiful and remarkable gift that is my body. This will lead to healthier choices and an all around happier me (there is a great article on this by Beauty Redefined here). 
• Rather than aspiring to be a certain size, I simply want to be strong and healthy. I want to "run and not be weary, walk and not faint" so to speak. I would like to be able to spend long days playing outside and chasing after my toddler. I want to go hiking, biking, swimming, etc. with my family--and do so with the energy and vitality of a healthy individual. I want to be conscious of eating healthful foods so that I can fuel my body to feel my best, and be my best self. 

Spirituality

•  Be still (obviously)
•  Have daily, meaningful appointments with God. 
• I want my prayers and interactions with my Heavenly Father to be more heartfelt. I know that he is all there, but I am not always fully present. There is room to improve. And, indeed I feel him urging me to do so. 
• Study the scriptures. Every. Single. Day. 
• It's so easy to graze over a few verses just to check scripture reading off of my to-do list. I am going to set aside a half an hour minimum every night after Klair goes to bed to devote to reading the word of God.
• Repent constantly.
• The atonement of Jesus Christ is such an incredible gift. I know that I take it for granted, and I certainly don't allow it to work to it's full capacity in my life. Elder L. Tom Perry (of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) said that ideally we should be repenting "moment by moment." I am going to strive for this level of self awareness and humility that I know will afford God the power to refine, improve, and guide me. 

Fun

Laugh more. Cry less.

"The only way to get through life is to laugh. 

You either have to laugh or cry.

I prefer to laugh. 

Crying gives me a headache."

-Marjorie Pay Hinckley

• Make more time for Sam. With Klair getting older she is becoming increasingly independent. I want to take advantage of this fact and utilize babysitting resources to go on more dates... and possibly even venture out on a little getaway or two. I am going to refocus due attention on the love of my life. 
• Sam and I want to introduce Klair to the great outdoors. Camping, fishing, hiking, mud pies... we will do it all. 
• I also want to instill in her a love for the finer things in life. Manicures, dress up, tea parties, and cupcakes are all musts. 
• Learn to sew. I'm going to start with simple projects like hair bows for Klair (less fabric to mess up on) and pillow covers. By the end of the year I want to be able to make baby girl at least one little dress. 
• Cook more. I really enjoy cooking. This whole gluten-free thing kind of threw a wrench in my comfort zone, but there are so many recipes to be tried. I want to recommit to trying new things and improving my culinary skills.
• Blog more. I am going to take this blogging thing to the next level. Since I have started writing more seriously and consistently, I feel a sense of fulfillment that was missing before. I'm inspired to foster the creativity that was laying dormant in me all along. I'm excited to dive in. 

And, there you have it! Last year was such an incredible year. I am very excited to see what 2014 has in store, and grateful for this opportunity to reflect on and improve myself. 

Has anyone else chosen a word (or words) to define the New Year?

This post is a link up with Alycia Crowley over at Crowley Party.