Klair is almost one...

Amidst all of my planning and the building excitement for Klair Marie's big day with the birthday bash that we are throwing her, I have to admit that I feel, well... sad. I am happy to see her grow and grateful that she is thriving, but I'm also slightly depressed by the prospect of time passing us by. I find myself looking at her newborn photos (like the one above), and reflecting on her firsts--her first laugh, the first time she rolled, the first time she called me "mama"--and I can't help but wonder "how?" How has an entire year gone by? I ask this question to the women around me--veteran moms-- and they just laugh and give me a look that seems to say "just wait." This doesn't make it any easier. Does it ever get any easier?

It feels like I was just holding her for the first time, skin to skin, her tiny body pressed against mine--watching her back softly rise and fall with every breath she took. She needed me then. She still needs me now.

...will she always need me?

I think this is the origin of my sadness, the source of my fear. It's the reason why apprehension is building as each day draws closer to her birthday. I realize that November 29th is technically just another day, but it feels symbolic. Once she turns one, she becomes a toddler. I don't like this word toddler. My dislike of the word stems partly from the negative associations of temper tantrums and all around terribleness, but mostly I don't like it because toddler isn't baby. She will no longer be my baby, at least not in the literal sense. I can't bear the thought.

Right now, she is my girl. We are so madly in love with each other. She wants to be with me all hours of the day (and night for that matter). When I'm gone, she breaks down. And, while I despise her sadness, I can't deny my appreciation for the fact that she is so attached. She adores me.

I know how the story goes. Kids grow up, parents go from hero to "ugh, Mo-om, not in public! How embarrassing."  Girls especially have a tendency to clash with their mothers. How can I avoid this? Is it possible? Can I somehow circumvent the usual crash course and maintain a relationship where my daughter still likes me well into her adolescent years? I'm not saying I want to be her best friend. Obviously, I'm her mother first. But it would be nice to be generally liked... even if she despises me in those inevitable moments when I have to tell her the dreaded "no."

Although I've been a parent for a year (plus 9 months if you want to count pregnancy, which I think should definitely count)... I haven't had to do much "parenting" yet--at least not from a disciplinary stand point. Sure, Klair has thrown a few tantrums, but it's so easy to distract and redirect her right now. That won't always be the case. I know I might risk sounding prideful, but I feel like I've got this baby thing down. I'm pretty good at being a mom to a baby... or, at least, to this baby. I don't have a clue how to be a mom to a toddler, a kid, a pre-teen, a teenager... an adult! Oh my. I have so much ahead of me. Through all of it I hope and pray I can maintain the bond that we have now.

I suppose, regardless of how she may feel about me at certain times throughout her growing years, my love for her will never waiver. And, though she may not always be completely dependent upon me... she will always need me in varying ways... right? I will certainly always need her.