Sunday, September 30, 2012

32 weeks!

Today, Klair and I have been together for 32 weeks! I am finally at the 8 month mark! She is due on Thanksgiving, which is exactly 8 weeks from today!

...Okay so I realize it may seem like I'm just saying the same thing in different ways... because I am. But for some reason each time I state her impending birth in a different way it seems schocking to my brain and brings with it different emotions. I really cannot believe that we (Sam, baby Klair, and I) have come so far in the past 8 months. I am so incredibly grateful that we have though. I take so much comfort knowing that our little girl is within a fairly safe zone for birth in terms of the gestational timeline. Yesterday, at the General Relief Society conference, President Eyring stated that his daughter had her baby at 25 weeks and miraculously the baby is doing well. I almost burst into tears. I can't imagine having a baby that prematurely. I am so thankful that my little Klair is already 8 months along. 32 is a much nicer number than 25. I already have so much to be grateful for! It really does make me think twice about ever complaining (not that it stops me, but at least I think about it...right? Or is that worse? Oh well.)

Sam is out of town right now in San Francisco for the Oracle Open World tradeshow. He left on Friday morning and he won't be back until Wednesday. I really do despise his traveling from the very depths of my being. The void I feel in his absence is almost overwhelming at times, especially with pregnancy hormones running rampant. Yet, I also know that travel is a necessary part of his job.  A necessary evil, perhaps? It is hard to have him gone, but I am glad that he has such an amazing job. I'm also glad that he has really great people that he works with and is able to travel with. They care about him, and with his diabetes it's nice to know he's being looked after by people he considers good friends. I'm also glad that he doesn't really want to be there. Is that selfish? Well, it's true. I take comfort knowing that he would much rather be home, but that he is just such a good husband and father that he goes anyway and works like crazy to provide for us.

As I was typing that last sentence, I was going to put "father-to-be" but then I realized that this would not be a reflection of the truth. Sam is already a father. I am already a mother! I think that often times I imagine that my "mom" identity will start once Klair is born and takes her first breath of air, but that's simply not the case. She is already alive and thriving within me. I am already a "mom" and have been for 8 months. Wow... talk about a reality check. "Mom." That word is heavily connotated and carries with it so many emotions and implicaitons. I don't know if I will ever get used to being referred to as "Mom."

Klair is kicking/punching/flipping/twirling and just generally moving so much lately. On my pregnancy app for 8 weeks it said that this is the peak time for movement, because she will be plumping up in the near future and she won't have as much room to move around. That thought makes me a little sad. I love feeling her move so much. It's as if most of the time I'm conscious that I'm pregnant but detached from the reality of it. And then, when I feel her move inside me and see the ripples and lumps across my belly, I'm suddenly awakened to a sense of the miracle that is within me. I have a living baby inside me. There is another soul housed within my body. She and I are connected in every way, and she is completely dependent upon me for her survival from moment to moment. It's so incredible. I think... no, I know I have taken this fact for granted way too much. And the thought of her movements--these reminders-- decreasing over the next few weeks is a little depressing. I guess I'll just have to be better about remembering the beautiful miracle wihtin me without as many reminders.

Typing all this has made me realize that I already love Klair so much. It's overwhelming the love that I have for this little girl, and I am so excited to feel that love intensify as time goes on. I cannot wait to meet her face to face, to hold her in my arms, and to kiss her tiny little lips. I absolutely cannot wait for her dad to hold her for the first time! I came to this realization once while I was imagining holding her after her birth. I thought, "I can't wait to hold her in my arms." Immediately after this thought, I imagined Sam holding her for the first time. I imagined his big strong hands and arms reaching out, carefully taking her delicate little body from the doctor, and cradling her close to his heart. For some reason this vision struck me even more tenderly than the thought of holding her for myself. To see my husband holding his little baby girl... to see that inexplicable bond between daddy and daughter solidify with the first physical embrace... the thought brought tears to my eyes and I immediately thanked god for the impending opportunity to witness such a miracle. In fact, I'm getting all choked up thinking of it now.

To sum it all up, Autumn + Sam really does equal "Ausam." You want proof? She's sleeping in my belly now. Sweet dreams baby Klair... eight weeks simply cannot come soon enough!

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